by Lennox Truman

(the following article is based on the above video from "Conan".)

I started college about a month ago. Any new environment, be it a new job or new school or new apartment, brings with it some dreaded social demands. You have to shake hands, work your facial muscles with fake smile after fake smile, and struggle through the standard pleasantries (“Where are you from?” “What are you studying?” “Tell me more about that mole on your face.”;). For some this comes easy, though I tend to think those people are either sociopaths or just some advanced humanoid breed that I both envy and resent. For most, though, these situations of big rooms with big groups of strangers produce at least some anxiety. It’s a constant battle against awkwardness or, worse, humiliation. You want to make an impression. You want to not seem like a weirdo. You want to be liked.

These new settings are bearable for a little bit, but in most cases the novelty lingers. At (in my case) schools with big, far-flung campuses, you’re constantly meeting new people and you’re constantly engaging in these “social demands.” You’re always forgetting someone’s name and you always feel like your name is forgotten too. You don’t want to wave to a certain person you recognize when they pass by because you know you have a weirdly good facial memory and that they probably don’t remember you.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is it’s so easy to want to curl up with your phone and tune it all out. You don’t have to shake hands with your phone. You don’t have to wave at your phone (though I guess you could if you really want people to avoid you). Your phone always remembers your name, which is especially awesome when you’ve told Siri to call you Lana Del Ray Lewis for the foreseeable future. There’s no work involved. And it’s great because when you’re on your phone, no one goes near you. They know you’re either checking social media, texting a friend, sending cheerful texts to yourself, tweeting about funerals, or writing “apply antiperspirant!!!” in your Reminders app.

So, while I agree with Louis’s general thesis in the video above (especially in regards to giving little kids smartphones, which is horrifying), I think there can be a balance. Silence is great. Being alone is great. Being alone without the thought of “why isn’t that Olive Garden tweet getting favorited? people love Olive Garden jokes” is freeing, pure, and wonderful. Most of the time. But there is some camaraderie in the little world that resides inside the hunk of metal you carry with you everywhere. In my experience at least, you can tailor your experience completely. In some ways, there can be a meditative quality to scrolling through your Twitter feed (this probably doesn’t apply to Facebook unless you find inner peace by seeing pictures of your “friends” from high schools’ new tattoos). You can be informed. You can laugh. Maybe it even provokes a thought or something. You aren’t looking at nothing. You aren’t texting “hi” to your friends, necessarily. What you are doing is engaging in the weird, 2013-version of “reading the paper with breakfast.” To suggest that looking at your phone means you’re automatically doing something vacuous is kind of ridiculous.

And although Louis is completely right when he says that actually feeling sadness or loneliness or alienation is something we’re lucky to experience as humans, a balance is possible. Sometimes it’s nice to know that somewhere ― maybe halfway across the world ― someone is hearing what you’re saying. They’re calling you by your name (or your fake internet name). They think you’re funny when few people outside of your phone do. They maybe even care about you. To use this “world” as a substitute for actually living would be to piss away the really cool-as-heck gift of being alive. But as a supplement to your life? I think it’s completely healthy and doesn’t have to turn you into a monster.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the cops are at my door because they heard I challenged the brilliance of Louis CK. Write to me in prison, guys.