by Sean Yeatts      

         Those amongst us with even a modicum of self-awareness know that the last thing anyone really needs is unsolicited relationship advice.  This is true simply because people are a disparate, nuanced lot and so is every romance.  Like snowflakes, no two relationships are exactly the same; any bond between a couple is unique with its own flaws, patterns and rhythms exclusive to them and what ultimately binds their union.  Relationships are also very difficult to judge considering that some lovers fight all the time but make beautiful love when no one’s looking, while still other relationships somehow retain an aura invincible perfection (public intimacy, rare disagreements) but when examined closely, what the couple has between them comes off as empty and as vacuous as Kim Kardashian’s frontal lobe. 

            Other questions can arise when wading through these complexities, like ‘why would you assume anyone gives a crap about your opinion on the matter?’ or ‘why would you believe your advice is thoughtful when you probably only know half the story,’ or ‘what the hell makes you expert enough to actually think you’re dispensing wisdom instead of generic rubbish?’  I’ve stared these questions down long enough to know that I don’t have the answers and won’t claim to, but when it comes down to it, experience is our only parachute and when given a chance, a person of grace and empathy will, without thinking twice, share their parachute if ever faced with the choice.

I myself had recently gone through a bitter and hurtful breakup with a girl I was with for nearly two years.  It was a passionate yet difficult relationship but what we shared between us was particularly intense because we cared about each other as much as we hated each other (that’s love folks).  And when it ended, it was very difficult because even though we knew we weren’t right for one another, the breakup was almost impossible to rationalize emotionally.  My passions went from breathing fire to breathing collapse and defeat; an end of a love affair masked as the end times.

But it really wasn’t the end and since I wasn’t a crippling alcoholic or a self-destructive drug addict (anymore), there was no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on with time and patience as my most reliable allies.  Patience is a virtue (which is probably why I have so little of it) and time would be far more tolerable if I were equipped with a fast forward button to get me through the bad moments, especially when they came off as ubiquitous and so inescapable.  I made it through though, without suffering a nervous breakdown, wavering between undiagnosed psychoses or getting arrested for disorderly conduct or public indecency.  A miracle of miracles!

Now I know the only thing worse than giving out unsolicited relationship advice is offering up unsolicited advice on moving on after an acrimonious breakup.  Who needs it, when the heart heals on its own and at its own pace?  But I wouldn’t call what I’m offering advice.  I consider them suggestions more than anything; a handful of actions and exercises I embraced on my own that helped see me through the turbulent times.  What follows are my tips, take them or leave them, on how to stop worrying and learn to love the breakup.

First of all, an idle personality can be dangerous so don’t just wallow in self-pity, go out and find some fun hobbies and other new and exciting ways to pass the time.  To relax, I’ve always enjoyed going to the gym for a good workout, listening to music or just sitting back with a couple of cocktails while watching a movie or a game.  After a while though, you may find it increasingly repetitive to engage in the same things over and over again, especially when constantly doing them by yourself; so do like I did and take it a step further by going out and meeting new people.  You can do this quickly by attending events that interest you and getting involved in organizations where you feel your mere association can make a lasting impact.  The Ku Klux Klan, The New Black Panther Party, Al-Qaeda, the Aryan Nation, along with numerous other gangs and cults are always looking to expand by recruiting new members and supporters.   Groups like these tend to host numerous gatherings every few weeks or months and can sometimes have an international following therefore they provide myriad opportunities to meet a lot of new friends and maybe your next significant other.  Months after my breakup, I decided to join a heretical coven of Pentecostal snake handlers and though it led to multiple hospitalizations (including one venomous bite to my left eyeball that put me in a coma for weeks), that step forward did help me make quite a few lasting friendships along with retrieving more than a few phone numbers on the way.

Second, you have to constantly look inwards to keep your self-esteem healthy and strong.  Let your character decide your fate by not allowing the end of a romance to crush your spirits or define who you are; easier said than done I know, but there are a number of things you can effectively do to keep your spirits high and your self-esteem even higher.  Show everyone you’re still winning at this game of life by always keeping yourself hygienic, dressing for success and sharing a smile every chance you can.  If that’s not enough to help you keep feeling good about who you are, you can always do what I did and find some time during your day to send hate mail to well-known celebrities or take a few moments to bully someone noticeably weaker than you (Sean’s tip: tiny Asian women rarely hit back after you’ve started a fight with them).  Sometimes it’s little victories like these that help me go to sleep at night touched by an inimitable sense of self-satisfaction. 

My third suggestion is always try your hardest to hold onto a positive outlook.  I believe in the power of positive thinking and that’s why you should let the good ideas flow while letting the bad feelings go.  This is the unseen path towards enlightenment and one way to achieve this is by dispensing of negative influences or anything else that makes your outlook any bleaker than it’s already been.  How is this done?  One strategy I embraced was not letting myself get bogged down with the morose music of luminaries like ‘Joy Division’ or Adele; instead I kept the rhythm of life upbeat by spending most mornings, afternoons and evenings listening to the music of Gloria Estefan.  Start jammin’ to the club beats of “Conga,” or blasting “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You” over and over again and believe me, you’ll immediately start to feel that life’s about to get a whole lot spicier.  (Warning: after a few days of listening to nothing but Gloria Estefan songs, you may discover blood in your urine or stool.  Consult your physician).

Fourthly, you should shake things up by getting out of your comfort zone to go out and explore the great world around you.  Or, as Bill Murray put in the movie “What About Bob?,” you should try “taking a vacation from [your] problems.”  A nice long holiday in a relaxed setting or even just a weekend away to a nearby winery can do a lot to reduce your stress level and ease your current worries.  After my breakup, I lapped up some opportunities to go abroad by spending a few weeks backpacking through Europe and then a little time on the beaches of Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.  These were wonderful and exciting experiences that helped me deal with the emotional weight of the breakup because when I wasn’t exploring world heritage sites or discovering new foods and cultures, I got to spend my downtime happily writing my ex-girlfriend’s name and phone number on bathroom stalls and alongside inner city graffiti so everyone would know who to call if they’re looking for a good-time slut whose sole contribution to society is spreading open her whore legs.  That right there is some therapy that works folks. 

            My fifth and last point is that you just be creative and keep an open-mind when it comes to filling your days with fun again.  Of course, you should try doing all the points I previously mentioned but then take it a step further by carving out something new and exciting for you.  Look deep inside yourself and think hard about how you can take a bad situation and turn it into something fulfilling, even rewarding.  Be that deep longing soul in search of catharsis, never easy, but quite attainable.  This may take days, weeks, even months of soul-searching for that je ne sais quoi, but trust that your intuition will let you know once you’ve found it.   In truth, things didn’t really start turning around for me emotionally until I found out my ex-girlfriend had moved on and was already dating a new guy.  I knew right then that I had to quit looking back because that wasn’t the direction I wanted to go.  Instead of letting myself be controlled and manipulated by the past, it was time to take control of my present in order to shape and mold my future.  I did this by researching everything I could about my ex’s new flame: who he was, where he came from and what he did.  I spent hours online and at city hall gathering information to forge a profile of this guy I’d never even met.  I then set time aside everyday to disguise myself in order to follow them around whenever they were together; I did this for weeks so I could observe their blossoming relationship up close without either one of them ever suspecting a thing.  After months of reconnaissance research and information gathering, I was finally able to implement my master plan where I framed her new boyfriend for two different hate crimes and a liquor store robbery.  It took a lot of work and a lot of focus but I finally felt like I was ready to move on after her new boyfriend was falsely convicted on all charges and is currently serving 15-20 years in a federal penitentiary.  Even better was that these events concurrently humiliated my ex-girlfriend and ruined her life.  Je ne sais quoi my friends, truly je ne sais quoi. 

            Ever since then, things have been getting back to normal for me and I feel like I’m almost ready to throw myself back into the dating world.  I understand everyone is different, but these five suggestions are what worked for me and there’s a chance they may also work for you.  So think about each of these points and give them a chance after your next calamitous relationship ends and you may be able to get through it all with little fuss or muss and in time, just like me, you might just be crying yourself to sleep a whole lot less.