by Nicholas Whittaker

Hello! I have seen probably 10 Football games in my entire life. I am qualified. This is how to play that game.

1. An important part of Football is the Uniform. It needs to be tough and manly, so make sure it is covered in nails and 2x4s.  You should be able to wear the fucking shed your dad built out in the yard where he used to go to drink when you broke something in the house.
 
2. Next is the helmet. Ideally this would also be very manly, perhaps made out of raw meat or raccoon skulls. It doesn’t even need to really protect your head, as long as you can still remember that you love drinking beer and masturbating. 

3.  Each team needs 8 players on the big green rectangle of fake grass, or, “field,” for play to begin.  So head down to your local supermarket, walk around the back, and ask the nice men begging for change if they want to play Football. If they are American they will say yes.
 
4. Pick a name for your team.  It needs to be tough sounding, like the Miami Murdermen or the Texas Tit Lovers.
 
5. Get in the right mindset, maybe go and kill some dogs. This may seem obvious but in order to be successful at Football you need to train dogs to fight each other and then kill them systematically when they lose or begin to get old.
 
6. Get on the field. You can’t play if you’re not there.
 

7. The referee throws a coin in the air and everyone yells “Heads” or “Tails.” The ref decides who has the prettiest voice and that team gets to go first.

8. Yay! Well, we ran out of space. Just go read this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_football_rules and have fun playing Football!