by Nicholas Whittaker

Welcome to the [NAME REDACTED] Café Employee F.A.Q. page of the Employee Handbook.

Q: What if a customer is on their phone when they come up to order?

A: If a unique and wonderful customer walks up to your register and they are on the phone, don’t fret. Sit and wait for them to finish. Don’t be frustrated, for all you know it could be Barack Obama letting them know they won a free trip to the Moon aboard Richard Branson’s spaceship being piloted by American Goddamn Hero Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger. Besides, your life is a meaningless void, the likes of which only holds sorrow and regret, why else would you be working at a coffee shop in the middle of a mall? What the fuck else could you be doing?

Q: What is the protocol for making a drink?

A: The time will come when you will need to make a handcrafted beverage for your special, lil, beautiful flower customer. They are going to want it to be perfect, so make sure to invite them to lean over the counter and remind you CONSTANTLY what their drink is. Did you remember it was decaf? You’re a big stupid idiot, so you probably didn’t. Did you add 2 squirts of sugar-free, peanut-free, antioxidant-loaded, protein-packed, vanilla syrup? They say the customer’s always right, so remember; you’re the fucking monkey being poked and prodded with the zookeeper’s stick so just eat the banana, asshole.

Q: Where are the garbage cans located on the premises?

A: The convenience of working in a mall means that anywhere can be a garbage can! Let the customer decide where to put their shit. On the counter right in front of your eyes? Perfect, I’ll add it to my crumpled paper shrine of the delights of Working in the Service Industry that I’ve been constructing (it’s going to be awe-inspiring). Why not rip a paper cup into a million little pieces and throw them over your head like you’re welcoming me to the world’s shittiest surprise party where the surprise is I have to pick up after your crappy, monster child. Hell, they can even use the actual garbage can! But that’s as rare an occurrence as Kanye West picking up a mirror, staring deeply into his own eyes, and realizing that it’s his reflection and not the most life-like portrait of Jesus Christ he’s ever seen.

Q: What about tips?

A: Tips are an amazing part of the coffee industry! The tips you receive will help you do many things: start a foreign coin collection (Oh boy, you always wanted a Bahamian dime!), throw pennies away (they’re not worthless, they’re food for the garbage), the possibilities are endless! Be aware: customers will only tip when you’re looking directly at them, so make sure you kiss their Toms and give them your first-born child. It doesn’t hurt to pleasure them sexually as well.

Again, welcome aboard our Team. We hope you enjoy your time with us. Think positively, as you’ll probably be here for the rest of your life because, as your mom says, “it’s the only thing you can do right, and your dad will be back from the supermarket any day now!”