by Nicholas Whittaker

The Late Show Top Ten* Reasons To Grow A Beard

*not endorsed by David Letterman…unless he wants to pay for this article, which he is more than welcomed to do. I know you’re reading this. Hi Dave.

10) You’ll be constantly mistaken for Hugh Jackman. I mean, literally, not a day goes by that a bearded man isn’t mistaken for Renaissance Man, Hugh Jackman. WOLVERINE HIMSELF.

9) It’s a portable air filter. Worry about second-hand smoke? Air pollution from those assholes with GAS-POWERED cars? No problem! You’ve got a giant air purifier on your face.

It’s like hairy Tupperware. Really enjoy that Philly cheesesteak that’s been smothered in cheese wiz, onions, and peppers? No worries, your face will also be smothered in cheese wiz, onions, and peppers. No practice necessary, just eat and, voila, food is caked in so hard you’ll need a crowbar to pry it out.

7) It’s a preview of your pubes. Ever been out at a bar, checkin’ out a sweet honey, and think to yourself, “I wish she knew what the hair around my penis looked like.” The beard serves as your teaser.

6) You’ll never get Lower Face Cancer from being out in the sun. Upper Face Cancer, yes, but not Lower Face Cancer.

5) It’s the ultimate facial insulator. Cold weather can’t penetrate the North Face puffy jacket you’ve got on your chin beating the ice away.

4) Ever heard of a beard cavity search? One of the easiest ways to smuggle drugs and treats into jail is through your beard. It’s a known fact that prison guards are heavily intimidated by tough, grizzled convicts.

3) It’s something to stroke when you’re thinking hard. Nothing gives you that Bond-villian-about-to-describe-his-secret-plan-to-a-tied-up-James-Bond look like stroking your beard with your hand while also stroking a cat and slowly spinning around in a leather chair.

2) It’s great vacuuming practice. You’ll be shedding more than a Great Pyrenees (THIS IS A TRUE FACT LOOK IT UP), so be prepared to collect that shit and make a backup beard, just in case.

1) You’ll always be the sexiest man in the room. Doesn’t matter what anyone says, EVERY SINGLE WOMAN ALIVE wants their man to have a rough, tangled, bird’s nest of a beard on their cheeks. It improves EVERY dumb face and it makes nice faces EVEN NICER