by Michael Rose

I went to Las Vegas when I was 25. I had a great time. I walked the strip, took in the sights, relieved myself in some nicely appointed bathrooms, went to the Adult Video News Awards and gambled a bit. It was fun. That's not what this article is about.

Instead, I want to talk about smoking. Unlike most things, smoking is bad for you. And yet, it remains a popular activity among people of all ages and backgrounds worldwide. Just like drinking, gambling, and drunken gambling, it's one of a long list of vices that you, as a sentient being on this planet, have the right to choose from. Maybe you're already a smoking enthusiast. Maybe you smoke a pack a day. Maybe you don't smoke but enjoy collecting decorative ashtrays. Look, this isn't about you. Write your own article. But I digress.

Let's talk about the downside of smoking. Let's see…oh right. Cancer. That's never fun. That's probably the biggest concern for any smoking aficionado, not to mention how expensive cigarettes are in many places. And your clothes stink, and your teeth discolor, and people judge you, or worse yet, bum smokes off you when you're walking down the street. Smokers are often asked if they have an "extra" cigarette. That's an interesting way of putting it. Let me see, did the Imperial Tobacco Company hide a bonus smoke in this pack? No? Hit the road, pal.

And then there's the irritability that comes with not being able to smoke for long periods of time. Like when you're on the bus, or a long plane ride, or seeing a Peter Jackson movie: being unable to smoke for hours can really make smokers twitchy and unpleasant to be around. Anyone who ever tells you that they only smoke so that they can have something to do with their hands is a big fat liar. It's the nicotine, my friends. It's powerfully addictive. It's even more addictive than "24", which is saying a lot. I know people who have watched an entire season of that show in a single day. Now, most cigarette packs only have 20 smokes, so if you're going to do a "24" marathon, you'll need to buy two packs if you want to smoke one cigarette per episode. Just a helpful suggestion.

It's also becoming increasingly difficult to find places to smoke these days. There used to be a time when you could stroll into your neighborhood bar with a lit cigarette and a live raccoon on your shoulder, but try that today and they'll let you keep the raccoon but make you put that cigarette out. Light up in a restaurant, bank, mall or hospital - even a casino - and prepare to be fined. You can't even smoke inside a tobacconist's store. And people totally freak out if you have a cigarette dangling from your lips while gassing up your car. Times really have changed. If you're in the mood for a smoke and you're unwilling or unable to light up in your own home, you'll be forced to go outside, and we all know a lot of weird things can happen to you outside. A bird could shit on your head. A bus could run you over. A stranger might try to talk to you. Who needs that?

Now, the upside: cigarettes are cholesterol-free. They also contain no fat, sugar, carbohydrates or gluten. In comparison to, say, a KFC Double-Down, it's a very healthy alternative.

As we all know, you look cool when you smoke and because you look cool when you smoke you might find it's easy to make equally cool friends. Many a lifelong relationship has been forged from a furtive "can I borrow your lighter" request or through some other impromptu small talk between two or more strangers huddled outside an office building, pub or concert venue. It's nice to make friends this way because your smoking habit ensures you'll get to know them rather quickly through forced conversation and also, at the very least, they share your interest in smoking so, if nothing else, you can talk about that. If you're lucky, they'll be interesting in other ways but if all else fails, it's just nice to know you can blow smoke directly into their face and they really can't say shit about it.

Smoking is also a great way to pass the time. It takes your mind off the crushing boredom and pointlessness of most of the things that are likely to happen to you at any given moment. Stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic? Light a smoke. That'll help. Do you follow so many people on Twitter that it takes a while to scroll through your TL if you've been offline for a couple of hours? Light a smoke. That'll help. Looking for top-quality internet porn but not finding the specific content that speaks to your particular fetishes? Light a smoke. That'll help. Smoking makes every mundane task seem more enjoyable because unlike, say, preparing a tuna fish sandwich, juggling with great skill and flair, or mastering the Rubik's Cube, it's something you can do easily with just one hand while continuing to do whatever it was you were already doing.

There's also a long history of people smoking in movies which of course is the coolest thing ever since movies are the coolest thing ever. I don't mean people smoking in movie theatres (although, there's a long history of people doing that, too); I mean actors in movies. They all look so glamorous as they flip open ornate, gleaming cases, pull out a cigarette, light it, and blow out beautiful smoke spirals that leap off the screen, especially in black-and-white. If you're watching some old smoke-filled classic movie then just remember, all the actors you see smoking would be dead now anyway whether they smoked or not. Hell, even many contemporary movie stars smoke. They seem happy, don't they? They have fame and riches and live life to the fullest. And they're friends with other movie stars that they presumably met out in the smoking area behind the Kodak Theatre midway through an Academy Awards ceremony. Sounds good to me. Don't you want to know what it feels like to be famous? What better way to do that than to suck the same hot chemicals into your lungs as they do?

Look, I'm not saying you should smoke. You probably shouldn't. But if you do, you'll quickly discover that, among other things, it:

D: brings people together;

E: promotes weight loss;

A: kills time effectively;

T: sucks your disposable income out of your wallet; and

H: gives you something new to discuss with your doctor.

If, like many people, you already hate yourself, then smoking might be for you. If you're well-adjusted, you might want to start just to see what all the fuss is about. But really, don't. It's a bad idea. I know I made it sound awesome, but that's just because I have a way with words.

However, if you do decide to start smoking, can I bum one off you?

Top 10 Reasons to Have a Beard