by Nicholas Whittaker

Welcome to the [NAME REDACTED] Café Employee F.A.Q. page of the Employee Handbook.

Q: What if a customer is on their phone when they come up to order?

A: If a unique and wonderful customer walks up to your register and they are on the phone, don’t fret. Sit and wait for them to finish. Don’t be frustrated, for all you know it could be Barack Obama letting them know they won a free trip to the Moon aboard Richard Branson’s spaceship being piloted by American Goddamn Hero Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger. Besides, your life is a meaningless void, the likes of which only holds sorrow and regret, why else would you be working at a coffee shop in the middle of a mall? What the fuck else could you be doing?

Q: What is the protocol for making a drink?

A: The time will come when you will need to make a handcrafted beverage for your special, lil, beautiful flower customer. They are going to want it to be perfect, so make sure to invite them to lean over the counter and remind you CONSTANTLY what their drink is. Did you remember it was decaf? You’re a big stupid idiot, so you probably didn’t. Did you add 2 squirts of sugar-free, peanut-free, antioxidant-loaded, protein-packed, vanilla syrup? They say the customer’s always right, so remember; you’re the fucking monkey being poked and prodded with the zookeeper’s stick so just eat the banana, asshole.

Q: Where are the garbage cans located on the premises?

A: The convenience of working in a mall means that anywhere can be a garbage can! Let the customer decide where to put their shit. On the counter right in front of your eyes? Perfect, I’ll add it to my crumpled paper shrine of the delights of Working in the Service Industry that I’ve been constructing (it’s going to be awe-inspiring). Why not rip a paper cup into a million little pieces and throw them over your head like you’re welcoming me to the world’s shittiest surprise party where the surprise is I have to pick up after your crappy, monster child. Hell, they can even use the actual garbage can! But that’s as rare an occurrence as Kanye West picking up a mirror, staring deeply into his own eyes, and realizing that it’s his reflection and not the most life-like portrait of Jesus Christ he’s ever seen.

Q: What about tips?

A: Tips are an amazing part of the coffee industry! The tips you receive will help you do many things: start a foreign coin collection (Oh boy, you always wanted a Bahamian dime!), throw pennies away (they’re not worthless, they’re food for the garbage), the possibilities are endless! Be aware: customers will only tip when you’re looking directly at them, so make sure you kiss their Toms and give them your first-born child. It doesn’t hurt to pleasure them sexually as well.

Again, welcome aboard our Team. We hope you enjoy your time with us. Think positively, as you’ll probably be here for the rest of your life because, as your mom says, “it’s the only thing you can do right, and your dad will be back from the supermarket any day now!”

by JJ Anderson

Ok, listen. I know there are probably endless articles on Adventure Time. I might repeat what's been said a bit. But it has to be said that Adventure Time is one of the most well developed shows around at the moment. Pendleton Ward and his staff of writers know how to weave Comedy and Drama throughout the seasons that their show has been running. First we get introduced to two of the main characters of the show Jake the dog, and Finn the human. Already, the people running the show present the audience with an intriguing premise. Why is "the human" added after his name? You come to find out Finn is an anomaly in this world and if anything, Jake the magic ability-to-stretch-and-form-himself-into-anything dog is much more normal in this world. Finn, while not magic at all, does possess the regular heroic traits that you find in classic tales. He has struggles and perseveres through them. Jake has his own problems in later seasons, when he becomes a dad and the writers show how he has to mature quickly.

These really are the base characters as you plainly see when you watch the show over time, but I assume Pendleton Ward wanted to show people how in-depth his fantasy world was. So, he starts introducing all these fascinating characters. Of all of these, probably my most favorite: the Ice King, such a tortured character. He comes off as a creep in the early parts, well actually, throughout the whole series, but there are episodes that give backstory on why he acts the way he does. What the crown on his head really means. Very hard-hitting stuff now that I think about it. To see what he and Marceline went through and the courage he had to save her, it's hard not to tear up a bit.

This really is what makes me love the show. The character development is so excellent. I really root for the characters and throughout it laugh at all the random jokes that are sprinkled throughout, jokes that in fact, seem a bit out of place on Cartoon Network. Adventure Time is now in it's own tier in my mind. Community used to be, but that's a whole different subject.

by Nicholas Whittaker

The Late Show Top Ten* Reasons To Grow A Beard

*not endorsed by David Letterman…unless he wants to pay for this article, which he is more than welcomed to do. I know you’re reading this. Hi Dave.

10) You’ll be constantly mistaken for Hugh Jackman. I mean, literally, not a day goes by that a bearded man isn’t mistaken for Renaissance Man, Hugh Jackman. WOLVERINE HIMSELF.

9) It’s a portable air filter. Worry about second-hand smoke? Air pollution from those assholes with GAS-POWERED cars? No problem! You’ve got a giant air purifier on your face.

It’s like hairy Tupperware. Really enjoy that Philly cheesesteak that’s been smothered in cheese wiz, onions, and peppers? No worries, your face will also be smothered in cheese wiz, onions, and peppers. No practice necessary, just eat and, voila, food is caked in so hard you’ll need a crowbar to pry it out.

7) It’s a preview of your pubes. Ever been out at a bar, checkin’ out a sweet honey, and think to yourself, “I wish she knew what the hair around my penis looked like.” The beard serves as your teaser.

6) You’ll never get Lower Face Cancer from being out in the sun. Upper Face Cancer, yes, but not Lower Face Cancer.

5) It’s the ultimate facial insulator. Cold weather can’t penetrate the North Face puffy jacket you’ve got on your chin beating the ice away.

4) Ever heard of a beard cavity search? One of the easiest ways to smuggle drugs and treats into jail is through your beard. It’s a known fact that prison guards are heavily intimidated by tough, grizzled convicts.

3) It’s something to stroke when you’re thinking hard. Nothing gives you that Bond-villian-about-to-describe-his-secret-plan-to-a-tied-up-James-Bond look like stroking your beard with your hand while also stroking a cat and slowly spinning around in a leather chair.

2) It’s great vacuuming practice. You’ll be shedding more than a Great Pyrenees (THIS IS A TRUE FACT LOOK IT UP), so be prepared to collect that shit and make a backup beard, just in case.

1) You’ll always be the sexiest man in the room. Doesn’t matter what anyone says, EVERY SINGLE WOMAN ALIVE wants their man to have a rough, tangled, bird’s nest of a beard on their cheeks. It improves EVERY dumb face and it makes nice faces EVEN NICER

by Michael Rose

I went to Las Vegas when I was 25. I had a great time. I walked the strip, took in the sights, relieved myself in some nicely appointed bathrooms, went to the Adult Video News Awards and gambled a bit. It was fun. That's not what this article is about.

Instead, I want to talk about smoking. Unlike most things, smoking is bad for you. And yet, it remains a popular activity among people of all ages and backgrounds worldwide. Just like drinking, gambling, and drunken gambling, it's one of a long list of vices that you, as a sentient being on this planet, have the right to choose from. Maybe you're already a smoking enthusiast. Maybe you smoke a pack a day. Maybe you don't smoke but enjoy collecting decorative ashtrays. Look, this isn't about you. Write your own article. But I digress.

Let's talk about the downside of smoking. Let's see…oh right. Cancer. That's never fun. That's probably the biggest concern for any smoking aficionado, not to mention how expensive cigarettes are in many places. And your clothes stink, and your teeth discolor, and people judge you, or worse yet, bum smokes off you when you're walking down the street. Smokers are often asked if they have an "extra" cigarette. That's an interesting way of putting it. Let me see, did the Imperial Tobacco Company hide a bonus smoke in this pack? No? Hit the road, pal.

And then there's the irritability that comes with not being able to smoke for long periods of time. Like when you're on the bus, or a long plane ride, or seeing a Peter Jackson movie: being unable to smoke for hours can really make smokers twitchy and unpleasant to be around. Anyone who ever tells you that they only smoke so that they can have something to do with their hands is a big fat liar. It's the nicotine, my friends. It's powerfully addictive. It's even more addictive than "24", which is saying a lot. I know people who have watched an entire season of that show in a single day. Now, most cigarette packs only have 20 smokes, so if you're going to do a "24" marathon, you'll need to buy two packs if you want to smoke one cigarette per episode. Just a helpful suggestion.

It's also becoming increasingly difficult to find places to smoke these days. There used to be a time when you could stroll into your neighborhood bar with a lit cigarette and a live raccoon on your shoulder, but try that today and they'll let you keep the raccoon but make you put that cigarette out. Light up in a restaurant, bank, mall or hospital - even a casino - and prepare to be fined. You can't even smoke inside a tobacconist's store. And people totally freak out if you have a cigarette dangling from your lips while gassing up your car. Times really have changed. If you're in the mood for a smoke and you're unwilling or unable to light up in your own home, you'll be forced to go outside, and we all know a lot of weird things can happen to you outside. A bird could shit on your head. A bus could run you over. A stranger might try to talk to you. Who needs that?

Now, the upside: cigarettes are cholesterol-free. They also contain no fat, sugar, carbohydrates or gluten. In comparison to, say, a KFC Double-Down, it's a very healthy alternative.

As we all know, you look cool when you smoke and because you look cool when you smoke you might find it's easy to make equally cool friends. Many a lifelong relationship has been forged from a furtive "can I borrow your lighter" request or through some other impromptu small talk between two or more strangers huddled outside an office building, pub or concert venue. It's nice to make friends this way because your smoking habit ensures you'll get to know them rather quickly through forced conversation and also, at the very least, they share your interest in smoking so, if nothing else, you can talk about that. If you're lucky, they'll be interesting in other ways but if all else fails, it's just nice to know you can blow smoke directly into their face and they really can't say shit about it.

Smoking is also a great way to pass the time. It takes your mind off the crushing boredom and pointlessness of most of the things that are likely to happen to you at any given moment. Stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic? Light a smoke. That'll help. Do you follow so many people on Twitter that it takes a while to scroll through your TL if you've been offline for a couple of hours? Light a smoke. That'll help. Looking for top-quality internet porn but not finding the specific content that speaks to your particular fetishes? Light a smoke. That'll help. Smoking makes every mundane task seem more enjoyable because unlike, say, preparing a tuna fish sandwich, juggling with great skill and flair, or mastering the Rubik's Cube, it's something you can do easily with just one hand while continuing to do whatever it was you were already doing.

There's also a long history of people smoking in movies which of course is the coolest thing ever since movies are the coolest thing ever. I don't mean people smoking in movie theatres (although, there's a long history of people doing that, too); I mean actors in movies. They all look so glamorous as they flip open ornate, gleaming cases, pull out a cigarette, light it, and blow out beautiful smoke spirals that leap off the screen, especially in black-and-white. If you're watching some old smoke-filled classic movie then just remember, all the actors you see smoking would be dead now anyway whether they smoked or not. Hell, even many contemporary movie stars smoke. They seem happy, don't they? They have fame and riches and live life to the fullest. And they're friends with other movie stars that they presumably met out in the smoking area behind the Kodak Theatre midway through an Academy Awards ceremony. Sounds good to me. Don't you want to know what it feels like to be famous? What better way to do that than to suck the same hot chemicals into your lungs as they do?

Look, I'm not saying you should smoke. You probably shouldn't. But if you do, you'll quickly discover that, among other things, it:

D: brings people together;

E: promotes weight loss;

A: kills time effectively;

T: sucks your disposable income out of your wallet; and

H: gives you something new to discuss with your doctor.

If, like many people, you already hate yourself, then smoking might be for you. If you're well-adjusted, you might want to start just to see what all the fuss is about. But really, don't. It's a bad idea. I know I made it sound awesome, but that's just because I have a way with words.

However, if you do decide to start smoking, can I bum one off you?

Top 10 Reasons to Have a Beard

by Glenn Rose

Modern Family is a family comedy that was started in 2009 by Steven Levitan, and Christopher Lloyd who are both known from the show Wings in the 1990s. The show centers around one family that has three different types of families in it. First there are the Dunphy’s, who play the role of the “traditional” family in the show with a mother, father, two daughters and a son. The father (Phil Dunphy) is a bumbling nitwit through the entire show, with a wife (Claire Dunphy) who plays the role of the neurotic frazzled mother who is forced to pick up the pieces of her family’s shenanigans. Their kids are a ditzy, late high schooler, a smart well rounded daughter and a youngest son who is a spitting image of his father in the area of smarts. Claire is the daughter of Jay Pritchett who is a rich older man that got remarried to a Columbian fireball named Gloria, who has a son that is very precocious. Jay’s son in the show (Claire’s brother [Mitchell Pritchett]) is a very straight laced, gay man with a husband who is loud and dramatic. Later into the show they adopt a young Vietnamese girl named Lily and they begin to deal with the difficulties of raising a child in their own way.

This show is an important change to the standard family dynamic usually portrayed on TV. This show, shows that you don’t need to be “normal” in order to raise a family right, or have a loving environment. In such an important time for the progression of gay rights, this show helps the image that there is no great terror that gay parenting would cause for future generations. Also it takes down some of the stigmas of age differences in marriages. Jay and Gloria have what seems in the show to be a very loving, understanding marriage with comical issues that do stem from the age difference, and also their cultural differences. But still, in the end they’re happy and loving the whole way through.

If you remember Jeff Goldblum’s character in Jurassic Park talking about the Chaos Theory, this show is a perfect showing of that in real life. In case you don’t know what the Chaos Theory is or don’t remember it, it’s basically: Anything that can go wrong, will. Everything that happens in the show is just winding up a whole new, awkward or ridiculous situation that is about to happen.

This show is a heartwarming, uproarious comedy that I don’t think anyone should go without seeing.

Airs Wednesdays at 9pm on ABC. New season begins September 25th with a 1-Hour Season Premiere.

The Conjuring

(2013)

Hello Boys and girls and welcome back to Talkin' Talkies With Matt Medina. Today I will be reviewing 'The Conjuring', a movie of which i was hesitant on seeing for more than one reason. 1. I’m not fond of horror movies.... I just don’t like being scared of shit that I know doesn’t exist... Now that’s the only reason, so don’t judge me. But I will say that this movie might have changed that, the reason I say this is because the movie is a good thriller and semi horror. Yet, alot of the sequences and dialogue was, for a lack of a better word… humorus. I say this because the horror movies that Ive seen are the old cheesy 70s and 80s classics like 'Friday the 13th', 'Children Of The Corn' , and 'Nightmare On Elm Street'. At that time they were scary as shit but thirty years later it’s more of a unintentional comedy. Just don’t get me wrong when you read this. I was sweating balls about watching this movie because, you know I’m somewhat of a man and my buddy George brought his girl - friends with him so I was trying to look "cool" while I trying not to make short cakes in my pants (otherwise known as pooping.....). Anyway I really enjoyed this movie. I’ll give you a plot summary.

So in 1971, Carolyn and Roger Parren move their family of 5 daughters into this dilapidated Rhode Island farm house, and it isn’t long before nightmarish terror engulfs their lives. In desperation, Carolyn contacts noted paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, to investigate the house. What they discover is the whole area is steeped in Satanic history that now follows the Perrens wherever they go.

That is the movie in a nutshell and let me tell YOU, THE READERS OF THE NEON EAGLE AND SO FORTH, go out and see this movie. Whether it be a Matinee or if you have real balls (Unlike Me) and see it at the night showings, you will enjoy it. All of the makeup and costumes are fantastic. There are scenes that will make you laugh one second and curl up into the fetal position in the next. Down below I will leave the cast info and the director’s, the latter of which is new to me.

Thanks for hanging out with me again and if you want to follow me on Twitter you can go to our "Contact Us" page at the front page of the site. This has been and always will be Talkin' Talkies With Matt Medina. Have a good day and save me a piece of that corn for later.

MOVIE INFO:

Directed by: James Wan

Produced by: Tony DeRosa-Grund

Peter Safran

Rob Cowan

Written by: Chad Hayes

Carey Hayes

Starring: Vera Farmiga

Patrick Wilson

Ron Livingston

Lili Taylor

Music by: Joseph Bishara

Cinematography: John R. Leonetti

Editing by: Kirk M. Morri

Studio: The Safran Company

Evergreen Media Group

New Line Cinema

Distributed by: Warner Bros (ALL POWERFUL).

Release date(s): July 19, 2013

Running timE: 112 minutes[1]

Country: United States

Language: English

Budget: $20 million

Box office: $141,371,552

by Max B

Most of you guys have probably heard of em: that dumb hippy band that your dad used to listen to. They have always been somewhat of a niche group with a stigma surrounding them to non-dead heads.To the un indoctrinated, it can seem like a strange phenomenon, and even a carry similarities to Christian rock, in that there is such a huge culture around it. For Dead Heads, it is not just about the music, it is a way of life (although it is important to note that they are much better than Christian rock). The Grateful Dead were so much more than that though; their music gives you a new outlook on things, a different view on life. This is why millions of people flocked to their shows following them around everywhere; it was the magical environment that the band and the people attending the concerts provided. The group of people that followed the Dead around, show to show; tour to tour otherwise known as Dead Heads where widely known for being some of the kindest, most caring people in the world. At every single show they would create incredible vibes that could literally be seen in the air (if you were on lsd).

Now that I’ve covered the audience, I’d like to cover the incredible musical talent that literally every member of the band had. Lead by Jerry Garcia on Guitar and vocals, the Grateful Dead would play in beautiful unison at pretty much EVERY show. Although there where periods of time in the 80s where the band did not sound amazing due to Jerry’s struggle with addiction, you can find beauty in almost every song played at every show. My favorite period of time is 1987-1993, in my opinion all the shows in this period where perfect. I also really enjoy all music from around 1972-1978 but I don’t think anything will beat the late 80s and early 90s.

Last but not least I’d like to discuss the affiliation with drugs and the band. At every single show from day one you would easily be able to find a cornucopia of drugs ranging from some rarer psychedelics like mescaline, all the way to some of the harder drugs like heroin and cocaine. The majority of the people at shows where under the influence of something whether it was alcohol, marijuana, or LSD. Drugs were a huge part of the scene and definitely the reason that SOME people went to the concerts. Being a Dead Head did not mean that you were a “drug addict” necessarily, but people were definitely more exposed to drugs at these concerts.

I hope you guys learned something by reading this article. Make sure you check out the band and don’t just listen to one song and say that you don’t like it. It took me months to get into them but now that I’ve been a fan for a while I’ve gotten very into the culture and music. It’s something to be proud of not something to hide!