by Lennox Truman

(the following article is based on the above video from "Conan".)

I started college about a month ago. Any new environment, be it a new job or new school or new apartment, brings with it some dreaded social demands. You have to shake hands, work your facial muscles with fake smile after fake smile, and struggle through the standard pleasantries (“Where are you from?” “What are you studying?” “Tell me more about that mole on your face.”;). For some this comes easy, though I tend to think those people are either sociopaths or just some advanced humanoid breed that I both envy and resent. For most, though, these situations of big rooms with big groups of strangers produce at least some anxiety. It’s a constant battle against awkwardness or, worse, humiliation. You want to make an impression. You want to not seem like a weirdo. You want to be liked.

These new settings are bearable for a little bit, but in most cases the novelty lingers. At (in my case) schools with big, far-flung campuses, you’re constantly meeting new people and you’re constantly engaging in these “social demands.” You’re always forgetting someone’s name and you always feel like your name is forgotten too. You don’t want to wave to a certain person you recognize when they pass by because you know you have a weirdly good facial memory and that they probably don’t remember you.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is it’s so easy to want to curl up with your phone and tune it all out. You don’t have to shake hands with your phone. You don’t have to wave at your phone (though I guess you could if you really want people to avoid you). Your phone always remembers your name, which is especially awesome when you’ve told Siri to call you Lana Del Ray Lewis for the foreseeable future. There’s no work involved. And it’s great because when you’re on your phone, no one goes near you. They know you’re either checking social media, texting a friend, sending cheerful texts to yourself, tweeting about funerals, or writing “apply antiperspirant!!!” in your Reminders app.

So, while I agree with Louis’s general thesis in the video above (especially in regards to giving little kids smartphones, which is horrifying), I think there can be a balance. Silence is great. Being alone is great. Being alone without the thought of “why isn’t that Olive Garden tweet getting favorited? people love Olive Garden jokes” is freeing, pure, and wonderful. Most of the time. But there is some camaraderie in the little world that resides inside the hunk of metal you carry with you everywhere. In my experience at least, you can tailor your experience completely. In some ways, there can be a meditative quality to scrolling through your Twitter feed (this probably doesn’t apply to Facebook unless you find inner peace by seeing pictures of your “friends” from high schools’ new tattoos). You can be informed. You can laugh. Maybe it even provokes a thought or something. You aren’t looking at nothing. You aren’t texting “hi” to your friends, necessarily. What you are doing is engaging in the weird, 2013-version of “reading the paper with breakfast.” To suggest that looking at your phone means you’re automatically doing something vacuous is kind of ridiculous.

And although Louis is completely right when he says that actually feeling sadness or loneliness or alienation is something we’re lucky to experience as humans, a balance is possible. Sometimes it’s nice to know that somewhere ― maybe halfway across the world ― someone is hearing what you’re saying. They’re calling you by your name (or your fake internet name). They think you’re funny when few people outside of your phone do. They maybe even care about you. To use this “world” as a substitute for actually living would be to piss away the really cool-as-heck gift of being alive. But as a supplement to your life? I think it’s completely healthy and doesn’t have to turn you into a monster.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the cops are at my door because they heard I challenged the brilliance of Louis CK. Write to me in prison, guys.

    by Sean Yeatts      

         Those amongst us with even a modicum of self-awareness know that the last thing anyone really needs is unsolicited relationship advice.  This is true simply because people are a disparate, nuanced lot and so is every romance.  Like snowflakes, no two relationships are exactly the same; any bond between a couple is unique with its own flaws, patterns and rhythms exclusive to them and what ultimately binds their union.  Relationships are also very difficult to judge considering that some lovers fight all the time but make beautiful love when no one’s looking, while still other relationships somehow retain an aura invincible perfection (public intimacy, rare disagreements) but when examined closely, what the couple has between them comes off as empty and as vacuous as Kim Kardashian’s frontal lobe. 

            Other questions can arise when wading through these complexities, like ‘why would you assume anyone gives a crap about your opinion on the matter?’ or ‘why would you believe your advice is thoughtful when you probably only know half the story,’ or ‘what the hell makes you expert enough to actually think you’re dispensing wisdom instead of generic rubbish?’  I’ve stared these questions down long enough to know that I don’t have the answers and won’t claim to, but when it comes down to it, experience is our only parachute and when given a chance, a person of grace and empathy will, without thinking twice, share their parachute if ever faced with the choice.

I myself had recently gone through a bitter and hurtful breakup with a girl I was with for nearly two years.  It was a passionate yet difficult relationship but what we shared between us was particularly intense because we cared about each other as much as we hated each other (that’s love folks).  And when it ended, it was very difficult because even though we knew we weren’t right for one another, the breakup was almost impossible to rationalize emotionally.  My passions went from breathing fire to breathing collapse and defeat; an end of a love affair masked as the end times.

But it really wasn’t the end and since I wasn’t a crippling alcoholic or a self-destructive drug addict (anymore), there was no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on with time and patience as my most reliable allies.  Patience is a virtue (which is probably why I have so little of it) and time would be far more tolerable if I were equipped with a fast forward button to get me through the bad moments, especially when they came off as ubiquitous and so inescapable.  I made it through though, without suffering a nervous breakdown, wavering between undiagnosed psychoses or getting arrested for disorderly conduct or public indecency.  A miracle of miracles!

Now I know the only thing worse than giving out unsolicited relationship advice is offering up unsolicited advice on moving on after an acrimonious breakup.  Who needs it, when the heart heals on its own and at its own pace?  But I wouldn’t call what I’m offering advice.  I consider them suggestions more than anything; a handful of actions and exercises I embraced on my own that helped see me through the turbulent times.  What follows are my tips, take them or leave them, on how to stop worrying and learn to love the breakup.

First of all, an idle personality can be dangerous so don’t just wallow in self-pity, go out and find some fun hobbies and other new and exciting ways to pass the time.  To relax, I’ve always enjoyed going to the gym for a good workout, listening to music or just sitting back with a couple of cocktails while watching a movie or a game.  After a while though, you may find it increasingly repetitive to engage in the same things over and over again, especially when constantly doing them by yourself; so do like I did and take it a step further by going out and meeting new people.  You can do this quickly by attending events that interest you and getting involved in organizations where you feel your mere association can make a lasting impact.  The Ku Klux Klan, The New Black Panther Party, Al-Qaeda, the Aryan Nation, along with numerous other gangs and cults are always looking to expand by recruiting new members and supporters.   Groups like these tend to host numerous gatherings every few weeks or months and can sometimes have an international following therefore they provide myriad opportunities to meet a lot of new friends and maybe your next significant other.  Months after my breakup, I decided to join a heretical coven of Pentecostal snake handlers and though it led to multiple hospitalizations (including one venomous bite to my left eyeball that put me in a coma for weeks), that step forward did help me make quite a few lasting friendships along with retrieving more than a few phone numbers on the way.

Second, you have to constantly look inwards to keep your self-esteem healthy and strong.  Let your character decide your fate by not allowing the end of a romance to crush your spirits or define who you are; easier said than done I know, but there are a number of things you can effectively do to keep your spirits high and your self-esteem even higher.  Show everyone you’re still winning at this game of life by always keeping yourself hygienic, dressing for success and sharing a smile every chance you can.  If that’s not enough to help you keep feeling good about who you are, you can always do what I did and find some time during your day to send hate mail to well-known celebrities or take a few moments to bully someone noticeably weaker than you (Sean’s tip: tiny Asian women rarely hit back after you’ve started a fight with them).  Sometimes it’s little victories like these that help me go to sleep at night touched by an inimitable sense of self-satisfaction. 

My third suggestion is always try your hardest to hold onto a positive outlook.  I believe in the power of positive thinking and that’s why you should let the good ideas flow while letting the bad feelings go.  This is the unseen path towards enlightenment and one way to achieve this is by dispensing of negative influences or anything else that makes your outlook any bleaker than it’s already been.  How is this done?  One strategy I embraced was not letting myself get bogged down with the morose music of luminaries like ‘Joy Division’ or Adele; instead I kept the rhythm of life upbeat by spending most mornings, afternoons and evenings listening to the music of Gloria Estefan.  Start jammin’ to the club beats of “Conga,” or blasting “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You” over and over again and believe me, you’ll immediately start to feel that life’s about to get a whole lot spicier.  (Warning: after a few days of listening to nothing but Gloria Estefan songs, you may discover blood in your urine or stool.  Consult your physician).

Fourthly, you should shake things up by getting out of your comfort zone to go out and explore the great world around you.  Or, as Bill Murray put in the movie “What About Bob?,” you should try “taking a vacation from [your] problems.”  A nice long holiday in a relaxed setting or even just a weekend away to a nearby winery can do a lot to reduce your stress level and ease your current worries.  After my breakup, I lapped up some opportunities to go abroad by spending a few weeks backpacking through Europe and then a little time on the beaches of Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.  These were wonderful and exciting experiences that helped me deal with the emotional weight of the breakup because when I wasn’t exploring world heritage sites or discovering new foods and cultures, I got to spend my downtime happily writing my ex-girlfriend’s name and phone number on bathroom stalls and alongside inner city graffiti so everyone would know who to call if they’re looking for a good-time slut whose sole contribution to society is spreading open her whore legs.  That right there is some therapy that works folks. 

            My fifth and last point is that you just be creative and keep an open-mind when it comes to filling your days with fun again.  Of course, you should try doing all the points I previously mentioned but then take it a step further by carving out something new and exciting for you.  Look deep inside yourself and think hard about how you can take a bad situation and turn it into something fulfilling, even rewarding.  Be that deep longing soul in search of catharsis, never easy, but quite attainable.  This may take days, weeks, even months of soul-searching for that je ne sais quoi, but trust that your intuition will let you know once you’ve found it.   In truth, things didn’t really start turning around for me emotionally until I found out my ex-girlfriend had moved on and was already dating a new guy.  I knew right then that I had to quit looking back because that wasn’t the direction I wanted to go.  Instead of letting myself be controlled and manipulated by the past, it was time to take control of my present in order to shape and mold my future.  I did this by researching everything I could about my ex’s new flame: who he was, where he came from and what he did.  I spent hours online and at city hall gathering information to forge a profile of this guy I’d never even met.  I then set time aside everyday to disguise myself in order to follow them around whenever they were together; I did this for weeks so I could observe their blossoming relationship up close without either one of them ever suspecting a thing.  After months of reconnaissance research and information gathering, I was finally able to implement my master plan where I framed her new boyfriend for two different hate crimes and a liquor store robbery.  It took a lot of work and a lot of focus but I finally felt like I was ready to move on after her new boyfriend was falsely convicted on all charges and is currently serving 15-20 years in a federal penitentiary.  Even better was that these events concurrently humiliated my ex-girlfriend and ruined her life.  Je ne sais quoi my friends, truly je ne sais quoi. 

            Ever since then, things have been getting back to normal for me and I feel like I’m almost ready to throw myself back into the dating world.  I understand everyone is different, but these five suggestions are what worked for me and there’s a chance they may also work for you.  So think about each of these points and give them a chance after your next calamitous relationship ends and you may be able to get through it all with little fuss or muss and in time, just like me, you might just be crying yourself to sleep a whole lot less.

by YouTurnMeJon

The concept and evolution of comedy is, in itself, humorous. What makes another human laugh has drastically changed, evolving, for the better or worse, from its nascence. Today, as evidenced, at least on the twitter world, humor is defined by wackiness: the unexpected, the crass, the purposefully callous. A disregard for human emotion sparks a particular neuron in the cerebral cortex, and oddly enough, we laugh. It seems as if the notion of “funny” has regressed since the Shakespearean era. Shakespearean-time critics classified puns and wordplay as the “lowest form of comedy”, but, personally, as a wordsmith (excuse my apparent lack of humbleness) in today’s world, I couldn’t imagine quick wit ranking beneath the likes of “420” jokes and other inanities. A careful balance is necessary: one must carefully pull the listeners nerve by brushing against the controversial, but also must retain a portion of morality, a conscience that keeps the toe on the line, and no further. Few are capable of producing true humor, Im certainly not one of them, but Crushingbort, Mattytalks, Leyawn, Brendle_what, and Bro_Pair to name a few, can. Puns and wordplay elicit more a Eureka moment than genuine laughter, although the satisfaction is the same. Many others attempt wordplay for this very reason. Some consider puns the easy way out, although I obviously disagree. But I digress. As little as I know, and the little reputation that my name carries, I can offer a few words of “wisdom” (I use the word lightly). In general, know the audience, and do not push their nerve farther than necessary. Do not cross the line, and do not acquire a negative reputation from simply one slip-up. Secondly, do not set a precedent for yourself that you cannot stay straight to. You certainly shouldn’t begin with social satire and then after a few easy criticisms of easy targets, such as Miley Cyrus (I exhale loudly as I type that cursed name), find yourself floundering for more engaging topics. Finally, as in every hobby, or so you call it, know your strengths, and stick with them. My strength most likely isn’t writing articles analyzing the intangibility that is comedy, but I’m glad that you (maybe), did stick with me through these 400 or so laborious words. Until next time, keep your eye on the clock.

Regards, my target demographic,

Jon

 by Nicholas Whittaker

Hello! I have seen probably 10 Football games in my entire life. I am qualified. This is how to play that game.

1. An important part of Football is the Uniform. It needs to be tough and manly, so make sure it is covered in nails and 2x4s.  You should be able to wear the fucking shed your dad built out in the yard where he used to go to drink when you broke something in the house.
 
2. Next is the helmet. Ideally this would also be very manly, perhaps made out of raw meat or raccoon skulls. It doesn’t even need to really protect your head, as long as you can still remember that you love drinking beer and masturbating. 

3.  Each team needs 8 players on the big green rectangle of fake grass, or, “field,” for play to begin.  So head down to your local supermarket, walk around the back, and ask the nice men begging for change if they want to play Football. If they are American they will say yes.
 
4. Pick a name for your team.  It needs to be tough sounding, like the Miami Murdermen or the Texas Tit Lovers.
 
5. Get in the right mindset, maybe go and kill some dogs. This may seem obvious but in order to be successful at Football you need to train dogs to fight each other and then kill them systematically when they lose or begin to get old.
 
6. Get on the field. You can’t play if you’re not there.
 

7. The referee throws a coin in the air and everyone yells “Heads” or “Tails.” The ref decides who has the prettiest voice and that team gets to go first.

8. Yay! Well, we ran out of space. Just go read this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_football_rules and have fun playing Football!

 by Humza Ghani, Vice President

I find it easy to get lost in thought when pondering the existential questions of life. I’ll often find myself thinking (for hours at a time) about the origins or destination of existence and whether or not they’re even relevant. I decided to write this article because of an interesting realization I had recently regarding these thoughts. If you follow me on twitter you may have seen me recently post a few late night tweets about this epiphany.

              Our bodies are completely comprised of atoms, most of which were formed in the cores of stars over a billion years ago. As a result of this fact, the eyes we use to see are also made up of these atoms. I was staring at the stars and contemplating this thought when I realized that, the stars are actually just looking at themselves. My eyes are made up of atoms that were formed by stars, and those atoms were being used to look at those stars. It’s a weird thing to think about. We’re as much in the universe as the universe is in us. In a way, we are the universe looking at itself. Everything we see and experience expands our consciousness. But in the end that’s all we really are: our thoughts.

            Immediately after thinking about this, I was overcome with a familiar feeling. The same feeling I get when I hear the loud cracking sound of thunder and my heart jumps, or when I experience the immensity of the ocean and how it never seems to end, or witness a forest of giant trees that have stood long before I was born, and will stand long after my death. It’s the feeling of humility. In our society we are constantly worrying about vexatious problems such as deadlines, payments, weight loss etc. I believe it helps to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. The importance of those troublesome problems begins to dwindle when you start to realize how tiny we are relative to the rest of the universe. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it’s just the way it is. The universe is immense beyond our comprehension. Many people would argue that trying to understand the universe only complicates things because you fall into a train of thought that ultimately has no destination. But I would argue that it makes things simpler.

            As fascinating as all of these thoughts may be, it’s possible you’ll find yourself forgetting them. Consistently being dragged back into the drudgeries of everyday life is inevitable, especially in our society. But if the world ever seems too much to handle just try to think of those atoms, and how they connect us to the universe. It may make you feel small, but maybe that’s just what you need.

by Humza Ghani

When I was first asked to write an article for this website I wanted to discuss a topic that would serve well as an introduction to, whatever it is we’re doing here. Since Twitter acted as a catalyst to this collaboration, I figured it’d be a good place to start.

We live in an era where a large amount of information is shared through a myriad of outlets on the web (such as Twitter), connecting populations from around the globe. The introduction of new technologies, such as smart phones and tablets, allow us to access this information with the simple touch of our fingers. This development in technology can begin to identify and even form the era in which it exists. Something as vast as a nation or as small as an individuals mind can be affected by the technology in its time.

Twitter has established itself as a dominant figure in the social media world today. Like other social media outlets, Twitter has persuaded users that other users on that outlet are extremely interested in what they have to say. Users have developed an almost obligatory feeling towards expressing their thoughts on topics ranging from political issues to everyday occurrences. Each individual piece of information expressed by the user is usually mundane and insignificant on its own. However, over time these small pieces of information coalesce to form an identity for each individual user. As a result, this phenomenon creates an “online community” offering users to connect with each other in ways that distance and time had maybe restricted before.

All of this seems so obvious as I’m writing it, but I feel we take the power of Twitter for granted every day. We’ve been given an amazing tool that allows us to interact with each other almost instantly. I consider it a privilege to be able to read the thoughts of hundreds of brilliant minds every day. I try my best not to take that ability for granted. I think it’s important we use this tool to our benefit and try our best to avoid abusing its power. Whether or not we do, remains to be seen.

by Nicholas Whittaker

The Late Show Top Ten* Reasons To Grow A Beard

*not endorsed by David Letterman…unless he wants to pay for this article, which he is more than welcomed to do. I know you’re reading this. Hi Dave.

10) You’ll be constantly mistaken for Hugh Jackman. I mean, literally, not a day goes by that a bearded man isn’t mistaken for Renaissance Man, Hugh Jackman. WOLVERINE HIMSELF.

9) It’s a portable air filter. Worry about second-hand smoke? Air pollution from those assholes with GAS-POWERED cars? No problem! You’ve got a giant air purifier on your face.

It’s like hairy Tupperware. Really enjoy that Philly cheesesteak that’s been smothered in cheese wiz, onions, and peppers? No worries, your face will also be smothered in cheese wiz, onions, and peppers. No practice necessary, just eat and, voila, food is caked in so hard you’ll need a crowbar to pry it out.

7) It’s a preview of your pubes. Ever been out at a bar, checkin’ out a sweet honey, and think to yourself, “I wish she knew what the hair around my penis looked like.” The beard serves as your teaser.

6) You’ll never get Lower Face Cancer from being out in the sun. Upper Face Cancer, yes, but not Lower Face Cancer.

5) It’s the ultimate facial insulator. Cold weather can’t penetrate the North Face puffy jacket you’ve got on your chin beating the ice away.

4) Ever heard of a beard cavity search? One of the easiest ways to smuggle drugs and treats into jail is through your beard. It’s a known fact that prison guards are heavily intimidated by tough, grizzled convicts.

3) It’s something to stroke when you’re thinking hard. Nothing gives you that Bond-villian-about-to-describe-his-secret-plan-to-a-tied-up-James-Bond look like stroking your beard with your hand while also stroking a cat and slowly spinning around in a leather chair.

2) It’s great vacuuming practice. You’ll be shedding more than a Great Pyrenees (THIS IS A TRUE FACT LOOK IT UP), so be prepared to collect that shit and make a backup beard, just in case.

1) You’ll always be the sexiest man in the room. Doesn’t matter what anyone says, EVERY SINGLE WOMAN ALIVE wants their man to have a rough, tangled, bird’s nest of a beard on their cheeks. It improves EVERY dumb face and it makes nice faces EVEN NICER

by Michael Rose

I went to Las Vegas when I was 25. I had a great time. I walked the strip, took in the sights, relieved myself in some nicely appointed bathrooms, went to the Adult Video News Awards and gambled a bit. It was fun. That's not what this article is about.

Instead, I want to talk about smoking. Unlike most things, smoking is bad for you. And yet, it remains a popular activity among people of all ages and backgrounds worldwide. Just like drinking, gambling, and drunken gambling, it's one of a long list of vices that you, as a sentient being on this planet, have the right to choose from. Maybe you're already a smoking enthusiast. Maybe you smoke a pack a day. Maybe you don't smoke but enjoy collecting decorative ashtrays. Look, this isn't about you. Write your own article. But I digress.

Let's talk about the downside of smoking. Let's see…oh right. Cancer. That's never fun. That's probably the biggest concern for any smoking aficionado, not to mention how expensive cigarettes are in many places. And your clothes stink, and your teeth discolor, and people judge you, or worse yet, bum smokes off you when you're walking down the street. Smokers are often asked if they have an "extra" cigarette. That's an interesting way of putting it. Let me see, did the Imperial Tobacco Company hide a bonus smoke in this pack? No? Hit the road, pal.

And then there's the irritability that comes with not being able to smoke for long periods of time. Like when you're on the bus, or a long plane ride, or seeing a Peter Jackson movie: being unable to smoke for hours can really make smokers twitchy and unpleasant to be around. Anyone who ever tells you that they only smoke so that they can have something to do with their hands is a big fat liar. It's the nicotine, my friends. It's powerfully addictive. It's even more addictive than "24", which is saying a lot. I know people who have watched an entire season of that show in a single day. Now, most cigarette packs only have 20 smokes, so if you're going to do a "24" marathon, you'll need to buy two packs if you want to smoke one cigarette per episode. Just a helpful suggestion.

It's also becoming increasingly difficult to find places to smoke these days. There used to be a time when you could stroll into your neighborhood bar with a lit cigarette and a live raccoon on your shoulder, but try that today and they'll let you keep the raccoon but make you put that cigarette out. Light up in a restaurant, bank, mall or hospital - even a casino - and prepare to be fined. You can't even smoke inside a tobacconist's store. And people totally freak out if you have a cigarette dangling from your lips while gassing up your car. Times really have changed. If you're in the mood for a smoke and you're unwilling or unable to light up in your own home, you'll be forced to go outside, and we all know a lot of weird things can happen to you outside. A bird could shit on your head. A bus could run you over. A stranger might try to talk to you. Who needs that?

Now, the upside: cigarettes are cholesterol-free. They also contain no fat, sugar, carbohydrates or gluten. In comparison to, say, a KFC Double-Down, it's a very healthy alternative.

As we all know, you look cool when you smoke and because you look cool when you smoke you might find it's easy to make equally cool friends. Many a lifelong relationship has been forged from a furtive "can I borrow your lighter" request or through some other impromptu small talk between two or more strangers huddled outside an office building, pub or concert venue. It's nice to make friends this way because your smoking habit ensures you'll get to know them rather quickly through forced conversation and also, at the very least, they share your interest in smoking so, if nothing else, you can talk about that. If you're lucky, they'll be interesting in other ways but if all else fails, it's just nice to know you can blow smoke directly into their face and they really can't say shit about it.

Smoking is also a great way to pass the time. It takes your mind off the crushing boredom and pointlessness of most of the things that are likely to happen to you at any given moment. Stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic? Light a smoke. That'll help. Do you follow so many people on Twitter that it takes a while to scroll through your TL if you've been offline for a couple of hours? Light a smoke. That'll help. Looking for top-quality internet porn but not finding the specific content that speaks to your particular fetishes? Light a smoke. That'll help. Smoking makes every mundane task seem more enjoyable because unlike, say, preparing a tuna fish sandwich, juggling with great skill and flair, or mastering the Rubik's Cube, it's something you can do easily with just one hand while continuing to do whatever it was you were already doing.

There's also a long history of people smoking in movies which of course is the coolest thing ever since movies are the coolest thing ever. I don't mean people smoking in movie theatres (although, there's a long history of people doing that, too); I mean actors in movies. They all look so glamorous as they flip open ornate, gleaming cases, pull out a cigarette, light it, and blow out beautiful smoke spirals that leap off the screen, especially in black-and-white. If you're watching some old smoke-filled classic movie then just remember, all the actors you see smoking would be dead now anyway whether they smoked or not. Hell, even many contemporary movie stars smoke. They seem happy, don't they? They have fame and riches and live life to the fullest. And they're friends with other movie stars that they presumably met out in the smoking area behind the Kodak Theatre midway through an Academy Awards ceremony. Sounds good to me. Don't you want to know what it feels like to be famous? What better way to do that than to suck the same hot chemicals into your lungs as they do?

Look, I'm not saying you should smoke. You probably shouldn't. But if you do, you'll quickly discover that, among other things, it:

D: brings people together;

E: promotes weight loss;

A: kills time effectively;

T: sucks your disposable income out of your wallet; and

H: gives you something new to discuss with your doctor.

If, like many people, you already hate yourself, then smoking might be for you. If you're well-adjusted, you might want to start just to see what all the fuss is about. But really, don't. It's a bad idea. I know I made it sound awesome, but that's just because I have a way with words.

However, if you do decide to start smoking, can I bum one off you?

Top 10 Reasons to Have a Beard